My new favourite quote...

"I'm still imagining a thing where I eat my way out of a room filled with McDonald's french fries. It's floor-to-ceiling french fries. The way you save yourself is you eat your way out."

- Tina Fey

Your Fun Is Not My Fun

In talking about fun, that great American philosopher Spongebob Squarepants sang that F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me, N is for anywhere and anytime at all.

So besides the obvious spelling issues here, I think that there is another big "miss" --- basically, what you consider to be fun may bore me to f'ing tears. And vice versa. Your fun is not my fun.

Last week a friend of mine suggested we go for a run together. Okay, time for weirdness and feeble excuse. I like running, and I like you, and I sure as hell am not gonna run with you. Running is me time, an escape from other people. You may like running with other people, I don't. Your fun is not my fun.

This sounds obvious, and yet is I think a breakthrough. Just because I like running and like you, doesn't mean I like running with you, which always made me feel awkward or obnoxiously selfish somehow, like I should want to do this. Not anymore.

The rest of Canada was watching the Grey Cup last week (Yanks - think Super Bowl but way smaller, and Canadian), I have zero interest. Drinking tequila, seeing horror films, playing hockey, standing in line to see New Moon, reading Sarah Palin's book... all things I just don't enjoy.

It's a mystery why we like some things and not others, and why those things change. Used to love skiing, haven't done it in ages. Use to love Count Chocula, haven't had it in decades. Use to hate the music of Sinatra and Elvis, now think it is amazing. Why?

According to The Happiness Project, there are three types of fun: challenging fun, accommodating fun, relaxing fun. Challenging fun - my learning to run and working hard at it, enjoying it and feeling sense of accomplishment. Accommodating fun - reading a princess book to my 4-year-old niece, not something I would do on my own and yet fun because am spending time with her. Relaxing fun - curling up in the basement with Hummer-size popcorn and watching seven episodes of "Bones" back-to-back on DVD - totally enjoyable with zero effort. All types of fun are, well, fun.

So should I accommodate fun, and go running with this person? It would presumably make her happy, I do like running, we could all do with being a bit kinder to others. And yet I would enjoy the run more if I went by myself, my own best challenging fun. Does it seem weird or nasty to say would rather do it by myself than with you? (ooh, dirty comment in there somewhere).

Easy answer - screw what you want, it is about me me me. Gonna run with myself. Inside at the gym - it's a tad chilly out there.

A thought about dogs...

"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet -- so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."

- Rita Rudner

Winter Blows

I have lived in Canada my whole life, and in Edmonton for more than six years (think just steps south of Santa). So I should be used to winter. But there is winter, and there is WINTER.

As I write this, it is 7 AM on Monday morning, and the according to the radio is -46 (MINUS) outside. That is like minus 50 in Fahrenheit, like it matters at this point. Yes, that is with wind chill, and yes we are headed to a balmy high of minus 29 today. Anyway you slice it, f'ing cold.

I like the change of seasons, and the first snow is always really pretty. But then the real stuff kicks in - short days, nasty driving, grumpy people, bad winter fashions, and bottom line it's just f'ing cold.

After working all weekend, there's non-work work to do today. K also has the day off, we have some wedding stuff to do, and some prep stuff to do as having people over this weekend (ie need to plan and buy food). Housework is calling my name (easy to ignore, do it all the time). Plus I gotta go to the gym. Really I do, my fancy shmancy suits are getting tight.

Winter has always had its beauty, and its drawbacks, from the inconvenience of bundling up and getting around to the need to wash your car every twelve minutes to the cute fuzzy dog becoming the shivering dogsicle you need to thaw out, but it's manageable.

Right now I am sitting in the cuddly warm basement, wrapped up with Alfie and Quinn in a comforter, beside the fireplace, all toasty warm with the radio on and a hot cup of coffee beside me. Pretty damn awesome.

Now is the time to get up and go, get a jump on the day, head out into the brave new world and accomplish things! Or blow it all off and stay down here all day playing on the computer and watching crappy tv while staying cosy and comfy... hmmm... choices choices...

Texting for Morons

Driving home from work yesterday was a snow-filled adventure. We had our first big storm of winter, getting about 25 cm of snow so far (for you on the old system, that's about 92 feet), with lots of wind and very cold temperatures -- the airport was cancelling flights, bridges were closed, I saw several city buses conked out on the major roads, the city was pretty much a mess.

So bad as it was -- and a day later the streets remain an icy snowy mess -- let's face it, we live in the north, and winter happens. So what the fuck is up with the widespread burst of rampant brain-deadedness that hit all the drivers out there?

Yesterday I am leaving work, driving at like 5.30 PM, it is pitch black, the 6-lane Jasper Avenue is down to 2 lanes due to snow and dead transit buses, and the jerk beside me is texting while he is driving. Excuse me? Leave your brain outside in a snow pile?

Then about 12 feet and 20 minutes ahead, at a busy intersection, and remember pitch black and snow and wind, a guy rushes across the street carrying one child and pushing another in the stroller -- and typing on his phone. Hey jerkwad-- I am hitting the brakes on an icy road trying not to plow down your kids, do ya think that message can wait a bit?

And then, moron #3 -- as the road curves right, there is a dunce making a left turn - remember, pitch black, snowing, messy roads -- and Mr Airhead is tap-tapping on his phone as he slides thru the intersection. What is Mr Buzzwhack typing, "hey, honey, I am about to slide into a nun pushing a baby carriage?" What the hell couldn't wait?

So to be of service to these and other morons out there, here's Alfie's basic rules of safe texting:
1- Don't text when driving.
2- Don't text when walking across the street.
3- Don't text when walking across the street in the dark when it is snowing.
4- Don't text when walking across the street with young children in the dark when it is snowing.
5- Don't text when walking up or down stairs.
6- Don't text when walking on a tightrope.
7- Don't text when flying a plane.
8- Don't text when you are a professional athlete having multiple adulterous affairs.
9- Don't text when you are an idiot (that one's for you, Sarah Palin).
10- Don't text during the movies or a concert... okay that is not really a safety thing, it just annoys the hell out of me.

I hope this helps. I am here to serve. Morons.

It's shocking... little Alfie is the victim of discrimination!

In this sometimes harsh world, where we have racism, homophobia, sexism, xenophobia, ageism, and more ism`s, there is another evil to add to the list... Havaneseism!

Today I was looking for 2010 calendars - in the bookstore, in the pet store, and then online at amazon.ca, and yes I was looking for Alfie-esque Havanese calendars in among the pet calendars.

So all I can say is... what the hell! Not a damn Havanese calendar anywhere. I saw calendars for retrievers, pugs, Maltese, Scotties, poodles, schnauzers, collies, and tons more. Even the hated pit bulls have calendars. Friggin` dachshund calendars everywhere. Themed calendars like cute dogs or sleeping dogs or rescue dogs or dogs in costumes. And still not a damn Havanese calendar anywhere. Some breeds have a menu of calendars; not only are there Chihuahua calendars, there are calendars for tea cup Chihuahuas and puppy Chihuahuas. And don`t get me started about the calendars for Schnoodles and Goldendoodles -- sure they`re cute, but those are not real breeds people! And they get a damn calendar.

The only Havanese stuff to be found is a few things from a rescue society in the US; in among the usual pet stores and book stores there is nothing, nada, zip; for those of us with Havanese pooches, we are missing out on tons of branded knick knacks and assorted crap; for the vendors, you are missing out on sales.

So is this just a missed opportunity, a case of an uncommon breed not yet on publishers` radar, or is there something darker and more sinister here. Are Havanese too cute, too Cuban, too irresistible... Oliver Stone would see a conspiracy. Glenn Beck would see discrimination and an attack. Then again, they are both raving idiots... still calendar people, you could have had my dollars today!

All hail the boob tube.. and us boobs who watch it?

Yesterday morning during my drive from home to doggie day care to work, the morning crew on radio were playing one of their call-in games and this one caught my attention.

Their question - men have on average 105 of these, and regularly use only 16; what is it?

My absolute favourite answer from a caller was "IQ points", but alas that wasn't what they were looking for.

The answer? TV channels.

I don't have 105 channels. I may have 30 or so, and probably regularly watch seven - CNN, CBC News, Comedy Network, assorted shows on the major networks, like Bones, Desperate Housewives, Cougar Town, NCIS, The New Adventures of Old Christine.

When I was a kid there were three networks, and we all followed the same shows - MASH, Dallas, Cosby. And maneuvered to stay up late and watch more. Now there's a bazillion channels, we have TV's in every room, and NOT A DAMN THING TO WATCH.

Last night I channel surfed from top to bottom about nine times and then turned the tube off. What the hell is Eastwick? How many CSI's are there? Who are these people? I wound up reading a book; how outdated is that?

One of the channels I do get, A&E, was showing a tacky-thon of back-to-back episodes of I Didn't Know I was Pregnant. Yep, it's a real show, and yep, our world is coming to a swift and furious end.

So the primetime TV menu is crap, therefore we are all watching less TV, the networks are on a downward spiral, and in my humble opinion they totally deserve it.

Then this morning on the internet, aka my TV replacement, I saw an article about how as much as we talk about the decline of television in the western world, TV is actually the primary window to education, opportunity, and women's rights in the third world and is on an upswing there.

Good stuff to hear, and much as I admire that noble use, my immediate concern is still not damn thing to watch in a world of Jon and Kate marathons and Accidentally on Purpose.. really, people, that's the best you can do?

Those damn Grammy nominations make me feel old and out of touch... or are they just goofy?

Today the people who manage the Grammy awards,whoever the hell they are, announced their nominations.

Grammy's are for artistic excellence, unlike the People's Choice awards which are literally a popularity contest as determined by telephone survey, and the American Music Awards, which are based on sales and radio play.

The nominations for best song of 2009 (the award given to songwriters) are:

1- "Poker Face" performed by Lady Gaga: great dance track, made her an icon, though probably not her best song

2- "Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)" performed by Beyonce: fun song, better known for its terrific and now iconic video, and my guess is the likely Grammy victor

3- "Pretty Wings" performed by Maxwell: huh? what the hell song is this?

4- "You Belong To Me" performed by Taylor Swift: sure she's the teen of the moment, but really? Not her biggest or best song, and aren't we over this Taylor Swift thing?

5- "Use Somebody" performed by Kings of Leon: once again, what? who? Best song of the year?

I am used to not knowing some of the Best New Artist nominations, but not knowing song of the year? Is it me or is it them? I listen to the radio all the friggin' time. What about Love Game by Lady Gaga? My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson? The Fear by Lily Allen? Anything by Pink? These Grammy people should consult with me.

On the upside, we don't see any Miley Cyrus on the list of honour!

She knows her value...

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.

But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

- Marilyn Monroe

You say you want a resolution, well you know, we all want to change the world...

I used to be a big fan of New Year's Resolutions. Think obsessive list-making freakazoid with multiple draft and then final versions of resolutions listed by theme and ranked by priority. And then over the past few years, I have walked away from it, maybe due to more self-awareness and ongoing conscious planning of goals and continual evolution, or maybe I couldn't find a pen.

Anyhoo, as the world is in such a wonky state these days (I blame Sarah Palin), I think that having a game plan for next year is a grand idea. Whether it is resolutions, or priorities, or some kind of northern star to aim towards, I think is a good time to re-start the resolutions. And yes I am going to be hyper-organized about it, so am starting today, more than a month early.

Here's what I have so far:

1- As K and I go forward into wedding and marriage, I will work on my communication skills and "us" partnership perspective, while acknowledging that Alfie (and, yes, step-dog Quinn) still rule the roost.

2- I will struggle to control myself and not strangle the architect/contractor building our house, much as he deserves it because of his lousy communication.

3- I will remember that pizza is not a breakfast food, at least not daily.

4- I will exercise more often (granted, easy goal, as comparing to this year as my base line).

5- I will remember that other people are allowed to (mistakenly) think they have the cutest dog in town.

6- I will wash my car more often, so before it looks like random glassy-eyed strangers crazy-glued sand, mud and assorted forensic CSI-looking crap all over it.

7- I will be more patient with stupid people who do not deserve my patience (I see an opportunity to revamp this wording)

8- I will obey speed limits and turn into the appropriate inside lane at intersections (though that is waaay less efficient than how I currently do it)

You will notice there is no cure for cancer on here... like I said, just a starting point...